Oh, I gotta share this with you
By Ann Morrow
For years I loved being a stay-at-home mom. I enjoyed the full-time responsibilities of taking care of my home and family. But once all the kids were in school and my days became void of a young child’s needs, I felt the need to return to the workforce and contribute to our family’s financial well-being. Mostly, I wanted to preserve the little sanity I had left. I have to get out of the house before I went honkers.
The job search itself can be a litter more than intimidating. I am not one of those women who returned to the work force when the baby was six weeks old. After years of following four kids around with a damp cloth and a dustpan, being a full-time mom was my work force. While career women were out changing the world, I was changing diapers. When the first American woman was climbing Mt. Everest, I was scaling a mound of dirty laundry. And when Shirley Muldowney was setting speed records, I was racing through house after a muddy dog and three giggling toddlers. Who had time for a career? I was busy being a mommy and working toward a goal of being the first woman alive who could make a four-year-old eat Brussels sprouts without gagging.
I sat down with a variety of job application strewn before me. I managed to complete the Name and Address part without any problem, but when I got to the questions, I froze. Position Desired? I ambitiously wrote. “I will take what I can get.” next question. Pay Expected? My pen hit the page before I had a chance to think, and I answered with, “At least $1 an hour morn than my babysitter gets.” By the time I reached the bottom of the application, I started getting frustrated, and I flung my pen across the table when I read, Indicate All Positions Held over the Past Five Years. Well that was easy- or would have been easy-if I had in fact received any money for the following:
Short Order Cook: Responsibilities includes creating last-minute meals from nothing more than leftover macaroni and three stalks of celery. Preparing snacks for entire Litter League teams with no advance notice and dealing with troublesome customers who insist on consuming nothing less than a sandwich that looks like something from a cook book page.
Gourmet Chef: Entails same job duties as above, only with a better class of leftovers.
Bookkeeper/Accountant: Thirteen years of experience balancing a messy checkbook, doing out allowances, purchasing groceries for a family of six- on a budget for a family of three- and somehow making a house payment at Christmas time.
Maid/Janitor: Four children, plus multiple pets- you do the math.
Chauffeur: Have driven approximately 182,450 miles delivering children to school, dental appointment, birthday parties, Grandma’s house and sporting events.
Door to Door Salesman: Nine years of experience in product solicitation, from Girl Scout cookies to raffle tickets for the school band.
The last thing left for me to complete was section that required listing any special skills that would make me a candidate for the job. I thought about it, and then wrote: “I possess great people skills with the ability to delegate fairly, yet with authority. Can deal with difficult individuals and am capable of resolving disputes. Able to work varying hours and have been known to work 24 hours shifts when needed. Accustomed to working in undesirable conditions with little or no gratitude. Strong verbal communication skills and willingness to perform managerial duties.” All of which translates to, “I have been managing a family budget, bossing the kids around and braking up fights for the past 13 years, and no one has ever thanked me for it. Do I get the job?”
I can also braid hair, remove gum from shag carpet, untie knots from muddy shoelaces, bathe a cat, change a tire and have an unusually high tolerance for boogery noses. With a list of qualifications like that, how can any employer pass me up?"
By the way, this is taken from the book, what a wonderful delight to busy mums:
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